Chaos

I post here because I do not know where else to go. The sense of anonymity that the internet gives me allows for me to be more open than I would to those I know in real life. I apologize for being so distant... I've been registered on this forum for a few years now... but have barely contributed any posts whatsoever.

The very fact that my mind works in this way causes me so much shame and embarrassment... and not to mention that it scares the crap out of me. I am overwhelmed... overwhelmed by the trivialities of my life. I feel as though I am not in control; as though my life is chaos itself, and the more I try and find order, the worse it gets.

Everyday things overwhelm me greatly; they cause so much anxiety that I can barely find the strength to continue. For my entire life I've dealt with this in silence, embarrassed by the very thought, as I believed that I was weak for having these feelings. As the day progresses, my mind wanders, things don't get done... and as deadlines approach... and the realization hits me that regardless of my want to do well in what I do... I am not. Panic sets in with the realization that my life has become a chaotic mess, depression then ensues, and furthermore, nothing gets done. The fact that these feelings are beyond my control scares me so deeply... my potential is wasted... and my life goes by...

I feel like I'm a crazy freak.... and maybe I am....

I've made an appointment with the doctor for October 2nd... and I'm scared to death because I'm afraid of what he'll tell me.... not to mention that the very notion of medication fills me with dread. I can no longer suffer in silence, however. I wont allow my life to degenerate like this.

The Universe

The concept that all life can be explained by physical laws, and that these laws guide the chemical reactions in our body-the idea that we are nothing more that a complex string of chemical reactions, may undermine the meaning and value of life to some. It is perhaps the mentality that human beings are somehow special, that they must be set apart from the rest of the universe, that seems to cause some kind of discontentment in the minds of those that hear the scientific definition of life as being perfectly describable by modern physics, and that life works within, and not as an exception to, the laws of the universe.

In my opinion, however, this notion, that we are complex chemical reactions, does not undermine the meaning of life, but merely unites us with the rest of the universe in a way that has never been done before. The universe, all life, the stars, the earth, everything is fundamentally the same, and the fact that natural processes are capable of combining with one another to form things as amazing as consciousness, neurons, complex proteins ect... is far more amazing than any religious creation myth.

That which we call the human soul is merely an extension of the essence of the universe. The meaning of our existence is not undermined by scientific progress, but rather science gives new meaning to this existence, and the image that is unravelling is far more beautiful than anything any human mind could possibly conjure.

Yearning for the unattainable....

As I sit here, I find myself glancing out my window... and what I see stirs such emotions that I can barely find the words to express them. The natural world has always brought a kind of feeling to me... a kind of yearning which I don't understand. When I see the mists of dawn descending from high mountains... or golden trees against the dark backdrop of the overcast sky.... I wonder about what it is I feel. It goes beyond a mere appreciation of beauty. It it perhaps more accurately described as sheer awe.

When I ponder the origins of such feelings, I wonder if it is not perhaps related to the fact that as a being of nature, evolutionarily speaking, nature is where I came from, and in a sense, my mind should feel a sense of belonging to it. Perhaps my life in an urban environment has left a kind of void in my life, this world which human beings has created for itself can never satiate the cravings of the soul.

On the other hand, however, I often wonder if I am not in a minority among human beings. Most individuals with whom I have contact seem to posses a kind of apathy towards nature... they do not seem to take the time to admire that which surrounds them every day, and because of that, I feel apart from them in a way.

Are these feelings part of what it means to be human? Perhaps what I see in nature is an ideal. I see perfection.. beauty above all other beauty, and as such I have a glimpse of that absolute truth which secretly all human beings crave. It is strange in a way, I have never been a religious person, but what I see when I glance at such perfection is beyond words... what I feel is a sense of spirituality far more powerful than any I have felt before.

Romantic Advice...

Okay.. there is this girl with whom I have been friends for years now. I've always wondered and wanted it to be more, but somehow I was thrust into a platonic relationship and have become "like a brother" to her. Now anyways, I was away for a few years, and when I came back she had acquired a new boyfriend, but when she was telling me about him, her first words were, "oh, but it's not serious". So I suppose what I'm saying is... what do women feel about platonic relationships... is it wise to try and pursue a romantic relationship with her. And... well... basically .... what should I do.

Alone...

I want no pity for my trivial problems, I simply feel an urge to write them all down due to some hope that it will clear my mind.

A few months ago, I was feeling quite depressed. I don't know why really... perhaps it is because I feel that I have no one in my life with whom I can relate to... but regardless, the feelings overwhelmed. I could not do anything, as it seemed pointless and futile. My friends phoned, and were wondering why I hadn't spoken to them for a few weeks. I told them I was depressed, and that was the last time I saw them for months. They didn't care... there were no phone calls to see how I was, or to ask if they could help... nothing. All I got was a phone call months later when I was feeling better that they felt guilty that they hadn't spoken to me for so long because I was depressed... but actions mean more than words in my opinion. If they cared then maybe they'd have offered a helping hand... but they didn't. Now I am alone, the few friends I once had are distant, and frankly even when I was with them I felt alone... as if I was some kind of extra baggage they'd allow to tag along to be 'nice'.

Now , my family is going through certain tough times, and I can't help but feel drawn into them. My mother and my step-father had to fire my aunt (who was working for them as a bookkeeper) because she almost bankrupted their company... twice by spending far more money than the budget allowed. My mother had no choice but to fire her... and now my aunt has decided to try and turn the whole family against us. Not only that, she has convinced her friends at my mother's workplace to spread lies about my step-father. I now find my family being sued (by my aunt and a certain ex-worker at my mother's office), and being despised my certain members of my extended family. I feel assaulted, as whatever is done to my family is done to me. I feel helpless... and that is why I am placing my thoughts here. No one else will listen, not my friends or my family.