This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries regarding a
pond on his property. It was sent by the Pennsylvania Department of
Environmental Quality, State of Pennsylvania. This guy's response is
hilarious, but read State's letter before you get to the response letter.

SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality
that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced
parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner
and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet
stream of Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A
review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been
issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is
in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural
Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of
1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled
Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially
failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at
downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently
hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you
to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the
stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming
the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be
completed no later than January 31, 2006.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so
that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure
to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the
site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement
action.

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this
matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any
questions.

Sincerely,

David L. Price
District Representative and Water Management Division


Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries:

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr. Price,

Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me to respond
to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane,
Trout Run, Pennsylvania.

A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of
constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet
stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor
supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that
you call their skillful use of nature's building materials "debris."

I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their
dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can
safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills,
their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence,
their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

These are the beavers/contractors you are seeking. As to your request,
I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam
permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is:

(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or

(2) Do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said
dam request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through
the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those
other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued.

(Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301,
Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental
Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections
324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.)

I have several concerns. My first concern is, aren't the beavers
entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are
financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation --
so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The
Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed
during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a
natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In
other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than
harassing them and calling them dam names.

If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please
contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they
obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being
unable to read English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build
their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green
and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live
and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and
Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the
natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be
referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until
1/31/2006? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and
there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real
environmental quality, health, problem in the area. It is the bears!
Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you
should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone.
If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! The
bears are not careful where they dump!

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to
contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to
your dam office.

THANK YOU,

RYAN DEVRIES
& THE DAM BEAVERS

did they ever respond?