By popular request:

>From an Associated Press article on the recent criticism of NFL officiating, Sunday, January 19, 2003, headline:
Tunney says don't throw a flag at NFL officiating

For 31 years, Jim Tunney pulled on a striped shirt, stuffed a penalty flag in his pocket and officiated NFL games. He might have missed a call or two along the way, but there weren't many complaints, certainly nothing like the uproar created in the first two weeks of the playoffs.

Tunney once was asked about fans and the abuse they heap on officials.

"He'll scream from the 60th row of bleachers that you missed a marginal call in the center of the interior line," the ex-ref said of a heckler. "And then he won't be able to find his car in the parking lot."

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So I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a copper writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, 'Come on mate, how about giving a bloke a break?'
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tyres!!

So I called him a horse fu**er. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!!

This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

I didn't give a sh*t, my car was parked around the corner...



Xander Mahony
Alien-UFOs.com

That was funny:D

had some trouble at first understanding the point, but I got it!:evil:

That would actually be cool using in a movie....funny scene:rolleyes:

got anymore??????

Sorry I really don't know any...:eek:

:smokin:

PS: thx for the topic Xander, saved my day...again:D

:smokin:

That was funny Xander. Please send us more. Like Michael, I'm soooo bored. |I

More funnies:

Benjamin Curtis, the annoying guy ("Dude, yer gettin' a Dell") from recent Dell commercials, was recently arrested while purchasing a small amount of marijuana.

The advertising department at Dell was shocked and dismayed, as it dispels the myth that marijuana is a Gateway drug...

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"Every woman's a 10. It just depends upon which base you're counting in."

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Q: What's the difference between George W. Bush and Hitler?
A: Hitler was elected.

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When you're driving, why shouldn't you swerve to hit a lawyer on a bicycle?
A: It's probably your bicycle.

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During a recent trip to Phoenix I saw a place, Einstein Burger. The first thing that came to my mind was that, they must be relatively good.

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It's gotta be hard reading jokes that aren't in your first language but you seem to be doing okay Michael

Xander Mahony
Alien-UFOs.com

I've always been good at english, when wo got it in class, it took 3 years before I started learning anything! I've watched American movies since 4 years and up, somehow I've always hated Dabish movies.

Where do you get your stuff Xander?

ps: nice to see you back LFI!

:smokin:

Thanks, nice to be back.
HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!

English is supposed to be one of the hardest languages the world to learn. So don't feel bad. I also have a hard time with different languages. I have to be around it constantly in order to pick it up. It's really hard when no one around you is speaking the langage your trying to learn.

Well here it goes:

The President wanted to find out the state of the different law enforcement. First he called up the F.B.I. and said:
I've put a rabbit out in these here woods, and I want you guys to tell me where it's at. A week later the F.B.I called back the President: Sir, we've bugged the entire forest, the rabbit wont be able to take a leak without us knowing about it.
Then Mr. President called the U.S. Army. Told them the same story about the rabbit. A couple of days later they called him back: Yes Sir, Mr. President, we've bombed the forest, if there ever was a rabbit in there, it sure is gone now.
Last but not least he called the L.A.P.D: same story again. A week later they called him back:
Mr. President, we couldn't find the little rabbit but we did find a big brown bear, we beat the shit out of it, but it kept screaming "I'm a little white rabbit, I'm a little white rabbit."

Funny:evil:

thanks, nice on a monday!

I follow you LFI, one quickly forget if it's not used often. I have had Russian, Spanish and German, but I only remember some Spanish...

:smokin:

English is a language of Internet (most part of it), and it will be fine, if English became second state language in all countries of the world (unreal dream).

Michael, can you tell, you are from Qaanaaq (Thule, Dundas)? It's almost near Canada and not so far of North Pole?

Sorry Andy, don't understand your question.. could you refrase?

:smokin:

I'm interesting, simply interesting, where in Denmark you located?

In the capitol, Copenhagen, it's ok, it's as big as it gets in this country...

:smokin:

The government announced today that it is changing its emblem to a condom because it more clearly reflects the government's political stance.
A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.

===================

Shopping for a Valentine's Day card for my spouse, I was browsing all the the little columns in the card rack with labels like "masculine," "feminine," "mother," "child," et cetera until I found the correct heading: "wife." The label also said, "Suggested retail price $2.49 / Special Discount 2 for $4.00"
I have to wonder how many people really qualify for that discount.

===================

Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"
Melissa's father thinks a bit,then says, "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

"Osama bin Laden," she says.

"Why Osama bin Laden?" her father asks in shock.

"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, our Marines could blow the shit out of him."



Xander Mahony
Alien-UFOs.com

Funny:evil: spceially the last one:rolleyes:

great jokes Xander, I love 'em!

:smokin:

You can see the punchline for that last one coming a mile off but it's still funny when you read it.

Xander Mahony
Alien-UFOs.com

Yeah... but still it was funny when it was finally there:D

:smokin:

I really like these two:


My friend is a rather old-fashioned lady, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language. She and her husband were planning a week's vacation in Arizona; so she wrote to a travel trailer court and asked for a reservation.

She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn't quite know how to ask about the "toilet" facilities. She just couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old-fashioned term "bathroom commode". So, she started all over again and referred to the bathroom commode merely as the B.C. "Does the campground have its own B.C."? is what she actually wrote.

Well, the court manager, Herman, wasn't old-fashioned at all and when he got the letter, he just couldn't figure out what the woman was talking about. That B.C. business really had him stumped.

After worrying about it for awhile, he showed the letter to several campers, but they couldn't imagine what the lady meant either. So, he finally came to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about the location of the Baptist Church. He sat down and wrote the following reply:


Dear Madam:
I regret the delay in answering your letter, but now take pleasure of informing you that a B.C. is located 9 miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit, it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late.

The last time my wife and I went was 6 years ago and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats. They are going to hold it in the basement of the B.C. I would like to say it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely no lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather.

If you decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks.

Remember, this is a friendly community.

Sincerely,
Herman


=====================

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I immediately ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!"

"Why shouldn't I?" he said.

I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"

"Like what?"

"Well ... are you religious or atheist?"

"Religious."

"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"

"Christian."

"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"

"Protestant."

"Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"

"Baptist."

"Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"

"Baptist Church of God."

"Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"

"Reformed Baptist Church of God."

"Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"

"Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"

To which I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.



Xander Mahony
Alien-UFOs.com

damnit Xander!!! those were the funniest I have ever read!!!!! :evil: :evil:

My eyes were filled with water and I couldn't stop laughing!! :evil:

:smokin:

Yeah I liked those ones too, it was nice to find some religious jokes which weren't particularly offensive.

Xander Mahony
Alien-UFOs.com