hey folks...I figure that I still have a few friends left here so I thought I'd stop in. I was going on vacation on june 26 but got deathly ill from an intentional exposure to a toxin (intentional on the prisoner's part not mine). I left for Florida from Kentucky on the 26 and was put into the hospital by the time I arrived in florida. they did emergency surgery on my lungs to save my life...removed part of my right lung. my lungs then collapsed in recovery. i flat lined and was revived. Some day I might tell about my experience when I 'died' but for now, no, because its too emotional and raw to me right now. Anyway, I spent 2 days in a coma and on life support before my left lung and remaining right lung started breathing without the ventilator. I was released from hospital to home health care for the next 6 weeks...really not home because I have to stay in Florida until I can be driven home or flown. So I'm in a hotel room here on my lap top. I hurt like hell and am a mess...my law enforcement career is over...another exposure or blow to the chest will kill me...so, hey, Mande, another cop bites the dust, eh? I'm wondering what I'm going to do...I'm wondering why someone would try to kill me (well did actually they just brought me back) and hate me so much when they don't even know me and was angry at me only for stopping their suicide attempt...eh, sorry this is so jumbled up but I'm way out of sorts here

i don't think you should take the attack personal,its the establishment he's attacking and anyone in a uniform.Unfortumately it takes a little longer to heal those unseen scars.there is no majic potion or quick fix but if you have plenty of support it makes it a little easier to cope with.Just take one day at a time,don't worry about what you have no control over,your'll waste energy.

Well this is a bit of a shock Tutu...i glad your still with us, how's the little one taking it is she ok...?? i hope the barstard that did this is going to be dealt with...??

i know...i'm trying not to take it personal...i know its an occupational hazard we face and, thankfully, i'm alive...right now i'm just trying to recover and return to living, so to speak...i'm angry (and yeah scared) over what it put my 7 year old though...a child is never so scared as when they see their parent fighting for life and I've never been so scared as know that within a moment she could've been left to carry on without me..damn that's as scared as I've ever been...ever will be...I was fine and then I was dying...just like that.

My family and friends have been there every step and that means so much. Recovery is agonizing and every mundane act that one doesn't give a second thought to...like brushing one's hair or walking down the hall...is painfully clarified. I don't recongize myself in the mirror...I look skeletal...pale skin, dark circled eyes sunk back in my head...but people say that my color is returning and I'm starting to look better...but I don't see it...I don't know this person I see.

The person that exposed me is currently in prison..what's to be done about...nothing...they are dying from a massive internalized infection...I contacted the MRSA infection from them which set up shop in my throat until making its way to lungs and that's what I got...I went into the hospital on the 27th and was discharged yesterday to home health care...the infection is dead, they say but part of my lung is gone now

http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/health/352435_mrsa23.html

Ouch. Sorry to hear that. I know how you feel. It took 9 hours of surgury and some bone from my hip to reconstruct my neck after an injury. Recovery was not 100 %. Pain and I are long term aquaintences.

Godspeed on your recovery.

I am saddened to hear this, Tutu. I hope you do recover and quickly.

thanks to all replies...sorry if I'm not making much sense as am on medication and recovering... but I survived,,,am alive...so happy about that...anyway, am retiring from the force...i think i'd make an okay scholar in some field...any suggestions? I don't want anything to do with law enforcement anymore because I was a good officer..was on my way to Captain in few years...and had already ranked to LT quicker than any woman ever on my department...i was proud of that...even made it past my struggles with narcolepsy...but this risk to my life i can't take...so...on to other things now....

With your talents TuTu there is not a lot you can't do if you put your mind to it, but if i were your i would take a few months of with the little one, spend time relaxing, doing what you enjoy for recreation before you think about what is the next move...

Glad to hear your OK, you were certainly conspicuous by your absence. Hope the mongrel gets locked up forever. Can't wait to hear what you choose as your next adventre. Something safe I hope. When you are ready, i would love to hear about your experience.
ANyway, enjoy your recovery with your litlle angle, not so nice way to get a rest, but one well earned.
Cheers
Dundee.PS//
If your Rand R takes you on a world tour, you and your little one are welcome to use my kids room as a stopover for your travels. Free room and board makes for a cheaper trip.

Tutu - Must have been an ordeal, for you and yours. I just feel angry at the b.....d who's done that to you. And relief... relief to know that you're alive. I sincerely hope you get well soon - and the sooner the better. Just take time with your little angel.

Hi Tutu im pleased your recovering from your ordeal as everyone says take some time out to be with your little one dont rush into anything just take it easy we're all here for you i know what you mean about not recognising yourself after my stroke i couldnt look in a mirror for about a year after ( i still dont use a mirror even for shaving ) i was convinced my hair had turned white with the shock of what had happened even now when i see my reflection in shop windows etc i dont recognise that guy in the wheelchair who looks back at me in fact i can hardly see him like my kids and your child will have had a huge shock but they are resiliant and do bounce back and you have to try and be strong for yourself and for them like myself we have both lived to tell the tale and now as hard as it is our lives will never be the same again and we now have to make the best of what we have what happened to you will never go away i had my stroke 3 and half years ago it still seems like yesterday but we have to draw a line and dont look back next weekend i will be offline for a few days as we are moving to a house the local athourities have had adapted for me ( ground floor bedroom and wet room i havent had a bath or shower since i left hospital 3 and a half years ago ) things should be a bit easier and it will be the start of a new chapter in mine my wife and my childrens lives if i can do it anyone can so come on Tutu try and be strong i'm sure you'll get through this if ever you want to talk to me either through the forum or via P.M. i'll try and help as much as i can take care from Steve ( Oskar )

thanks...I had a better reply but pushed the wrong key and it got deleted...I don't like typing on this laptop. I'm dealing with the anger and that's passing as the days pass, I'm not one to waste much energy on being angry anyway. I have the next 6 weeks to recover and every minute will be spent with my daughter, family and friends so, at least, there's that to look forward to. School starts back in late August and I intend to be registered. I can't be idle and live off disability or stay on a desk job on the force...I have to be working toward a goal in life.
What's really bothering me now is feeling so at odds with myself...like I can't trust my body anymore...a year from now...what if I want to fly, or scuba dive, or hike or do some other intensive activity...can I do it even if the doctors say I can? What I can do in the future will effect whatever goals I decide to set now and I'm just so unsure about it. I know many here have had their own physical health ordeals, so please, tell me, how did/do you deal with not trusting your own heart or lungs or brain or whatever to carry you through to the future? I really shouldn't even be worried about it right now..my sutures and stitches haven't even healed yet...but I'm an inpatient sort. lol

Wow, TUTU, I am so sorry to hear about what happened.
It is a grim reminder of how fragile our lives really are.
I have had my close calls too.

In your state right now, I wouldn't worry too much about what next day or week will bring. Just utilize this time to recover and rest.

OK. Everybody knows that some years back, I had a road accident. A car crash that took 4 lives: my future husband and our baby, my future sister in-law, and my sister. I was the sole survivor. I spent 9 days in coma. And it was when the nightmare began. I still hate doctors, especially when they say “Well, We’ve done the best we could, but..." or ..."You’ve got to be strong...” This stuff. Well, you know what I mean...
Just to be told that everybody was dead…was horrible, unbelievable, unacceptable! I had to surmount all this, plus my body that did not respond anymore. My legs won’t move, they just refused to move. It took me three months to just…stand up again. I was angry at every body: the nurses, the doctors, etc... but most of all – I was angry at myself, at my own body. I made baby steps after baby steps after baby steps… First, it was just to lay my feet on the floor. Then to hold down in this position for as long as I can. Then to try just to make one foot move. Then to make one step after another. It took me about three months in all. To give you an idea – it took me almost 3 weeks to go from my hospital bed to the table next to it (do not laugh ). The next challenge was to go from this table to the door of my room. The next one was to go from the door to the corridor (and ‘walk’ a bit around lol). Then to ‘walk’ down the entire corridor. And so on. Baby steps after baby steps, and feeling exhausted after each one of them. And so many falls... And the fear that goes with each fall - that you would NEVER walk again... etc. That feeling.
Now I usually run 5 to 7 miles a day - comes rain or shine. It’s just an addiction for me. Nothing is impossible.

I just wanted to let you know, I'm really very sorry about what happened to you, and I wish you all the best and very speedy recovery. When I was a teenager, I had hoped to have a long career in the military. Health forbid it. However, I found a career that has ultimately been far, far better for me as a person. Since you say your law enforcement career is unfortunately over (and I'm very sorry to hear about that), I do really hope that you're next career will be as fulfilling for you as my career has been for me.

Good luck.

I'm sorry Tutu... your post fills me with sadness, and I loath the feeling that as I sit here, there is nothing I can do to comfort my friend, or ease her pain. I know, however, Tutu, that you are strong. You may not know how you will endure this moment now, but you will endure it, I am certain of this.

If you wish to become a scholar of some sort, well... you are one of the most brilliant individuals I've ever had the pleasure of conversing with. I am honored to be exposed to a mind such as yours, and you will excel at any field of your choosing.

I don't think there is much I can say. I don't understand your pain, as each individual perceives it differently through their unique minds. I know that you have much love to give to this world, and there are many ways in which you can give it. Please don't lose trust in the world. If that prevents you from being who you know you were born to be, then the world will be diminished for it.

You know who you are, and you know who you must be.

Sorry to hear about it. Wish you a quick recovery.

The Road goes ever on and on
Down from the door where it began.
Now far ahead the road has gone,
And I must follow, if I can
Pursuing it with eager feet,
Until it joins some larger way
Where many paths and errands meet.
And whither then? I cannot say.

Tolkien

words...there are none...in the company of beautiful minds, I am...