It's 1:34am Central Time Zone. My wife and I just got done watching a movie ("Fun with Dick and Jane" starring Jim Carrey). She starts to complain about her back hurting (again), which I took the liberty of massaging for her earlier. I start rubbing her back again and all of a sudden the complaining goes from "My back hurts," to "My back hurts because I weigh too much." Then the complaining goes to, "I didn't used to weigh this much; if everyone I know would just stop drinking around me." WTF?!?!?!
I felt like saying, "you can take that last sentence, and shove it up you ass and set it on fire!" But I just kept it simple and told her that statment was bullshit.

My wife has gone out with her friends every night this week, and some evenings, staying out overnight, either at her friends or mother's house, all of whom live nearby. Just so you all know, we have been married 5 years, and have a 4 year old son who is my pride and joy. Remember, she is good to me and I love her very much.

Now I'm a reasonable guy. For instance there are a lot of men that wouldn't hear of their wife staying out every night, for a week, to drink and party with their friends. I don't mind because it is my belief that people should have fun and experience life. But if you're going to go through all the goddamn trouble to have all that fun, then DON'T COME HOME BITCHIN' TO ME ABOUT YER DAMN BACK AND YER SPORADIC WEIGHT GAIN YOU SPENT ALL DAMN WEEK WORKING ON!!!!!

Is it really fair that I have to be the sole 'bread winner', baby sitter, massage therapist, and shoulder to cry on? Maybe for 1 day; after that I say f-ck off! She says I don't listen. Why the f-ck would I want to at this point? She has no right to piss and moan about any of the things she did this week to put herself in the mood she's in. I would love for her to give me the all money it took her to piss away, drinking with her friends all week, so I could go out and do the same damn thing, then come home bitching about how much things suck. I could do that too, but there's this thing call picking and choosing your decisions and living with those decisions, a.k.a. 'being an adult'. That, and she couldn't afford my tab if the shoe was on the other foot; she bitched SO much about her last job, I got tired of listening to her and told her to quit...and, she did.

I love my wife, but I'm no goddamn sucker either. I can certainly respect her wanting to have fun with her friends; in fact, I promote it. But when it comes to her running her mouth about all her so-called misfortunes, I feel like I could just slap the dog piss out of her, and tell her to grow up. Other people in the world are dying, sick, hurt, and afraid, and if she opened her goddamn eyes once in awhile she might just see that she doesn't have it so bad off.

All this bitching and complaining makes me wonder: didn't she get all this out with her drunk ass friends being that she spent a good deal of time with them this week? Yeah right, she probably bitches about me to them, because people (women), tend to stick to what do best where ever they go.

I don't want to live my life listening to this shit, because it's doing nothing but pissing me off, and she sure isn't showing any reasonable gain from being an expert complainer. Advice?

Those of us who really enjoy life want to do exactly that, i.e. without negative, nagging interjections.

MY SOLUTION: STFU and stop feeling sorry for yourself.

Why instead of coming here to complain don't you talk about it with your wife? You guys need to sort it out mate. Conversations really help. Good luck.

Why must Wives 'bitch and complain'?........... I mean this with total respect, but why must you? (No offence)..... Sames as beer maiden says, Try having a conversation with her, and please, for your sake and every other man out there... dont ever say to a woman, "STFU and dont feel sorry for yourself"...

Because it's a forum and some of us can relate to him? The only time I have a problem with peoples personal complaints is when they ask for Medical help. This isn't General Hospital. As for your wife, I'm having the same problem. I used to laugh at women who say that their weight is caused by thyroid problems. I am now experiencing it. It's the weirdest thing to gain weight and eat less. Though I still pig out from time to time. I've had this problem before , it's been going back and forth and now it's all the time. Last year I weighed 199 pounds and now I weight 242. The heaviest I ever weighed. And I weigh myself Naked (nice picture huh) so I know it's accurate and not layers of clothes.

Now, I'm no expert, but is it possible that there's something deeper at issue here? All I know is that when I'm feeling down about something that I find hard to talk about, I tend to whinge about things like having a sore toe or a headache or whatever because it's easier to verbalize. I'm feeling down so I naturally dwell on other negative things that are going on.

I'm just saying that this sort of behaviour usually points to something deeper that needs to be addressed. I'm not saying that it's your fault in any way - in fact it seems like it's not anything you're doing at all (otherwise she'd be complaining about something that involves you). I do think that you need to talk to your wife and get to the bottom of this and find out what's really going on, so both of you can have peace of mind. The most important thing to remember in any relationship is to communicate freely and be completely honest.

Good luck mate...

Don`t you ever complain to a friend about another?

It`s normal, maybe he wants to see where he stands by throwuing this out and see other responses.

getting another views can help to sort things in your own mind and help you to arrange the throughts properly when you do talk with your partner.. tho you really do need to talk. or this is going to fester and become a huge wound in your relationship. Or you can accept that this is how she is right now and not grumble.. but best to try at elast to sort it out nicely. And for goodness sake.. don't go into discussion feeling she should STFU!! not gonna sort peas from rice doing that. But good luck.. I hope you can wwork it all out,.

Maybe your wife is cheating. Sorry to say that, but damn dude... Staying out all night at other people's houses? Sounds like some others are covering up for something else going on besides partying with girlfriends.

[QUOTE=DisproveU;302024]It's 1:34am Central Time Zone. My wife and I just got done watching a movie ("Fun with Dick and Jane" starring Jim Carrey). She starts to complain about her back hurting (again), which I took the liberty of massaging for her earlier. I start rubbing her back again and all of a sudden the complaining goes from "My back hurts," to "My back hurts because I weigh too much." Then the complaining goes to, "I didn't used to weigh this much; if everyone I know would just stop drinking around me." WTF?!?!?!

Without knowing anything else, the above illustrates when she communicates a concern, you are angry and resentful for her doing so,


"I felt like saying, "you can take that last sentence, and shove it up you ass and set it on fire!" But I just kept it simple and told her that statment was bullshit."

The above illustrates you are repressing anger and feelings of violence towards your wife.

"My wife has gone out with her friends every night this week, and some evenings, staying out overnight, either at her friends or mother's house, all of whom live nearby."

Either you wife is having an affair with someone and lying to you, or is staying away from you. Either way its a sign your marriage has broken down and she feels the need to physically distance herself from you.

"Just so you all know, we have been married 5 years, and have a 4 year old son who is my pride and joy. Remember, she is good to me and I love her very much."

You love her very much yet you want to shove things up her ass and tell her she is full of shit. Hmm. No inconsistency there.

"Now I'm a reasonable guy."

Yah right. You love her very much but want to shove things up her ass. Sounds reasonable.

" For instance there are a lot of men that wouldn't hear of their wife staying out every night, for a week, to drink and party with their friends. I don't mind because it is my belief that people should have fun and experience life."

You are full of crappola. You are angry and resent her for staying away and then try this denial crap on your audience? Yah you are a saint. Maybe you should start by being honest with you how you really feel about her staying away.

"But if you're going to go through all the goddamn trouble to have all that fun, then DON'T COME HOME BITCHIN' TO ME ABOUT YER DAMN BACK AND YER SPORADIC WEIGHT GAIN YOU SPENT ALL DAMN WEEK WORKING ON!!!!!"

There you go. The above comment Mr. Saint, is your anger spewing out because your wife is out and you are angry with her for being out. You find it safer to say you are mad about her complaining about her back then being honest with yourself and saying you are angry with her for being out all the time.

"Is it really fair that I have to be the sole 'bread winner', baby sitter, massage therapist, and shoulder to cry on? "

Sounds to me like you feel sorry for yourself for having to take on the responsibilities all of us face. Sorry I am not buying your woe is me song and dance.

"Maybe for 1 day; after that I say f-ck off! She says I don't listen. Why the f-ck would I want to at this point? She has no right to piss and moan about any of the things she did this week to put herself in the mood she's in."

See my point? You expect people to feel sorry for you but you do nothing but exhibit anger and contempt for your wife. Sounds like you expect to be treated with sensitivity while you treat others like dirt.

"I would love for her to give me the all money it took her to piss away, drinking with her friends all week, so I could go out and do the same damn thing, then come home bitching about how much things suck."

No you would not love that. You are in fact angry with her for drinking away the money which you feel should be used for other things.

"I could do that too, but there's this thing call picking and choosing your decisions and living with those decisions, a.k.a. 'being an adult'."

You could have fooled me. You just finished whining you don't think its fair you have to be the sole bread-winner. An adult would not whine about such a thing.

"That, and she couldn't afford my tab if the shoe was on the other foot; she bitched SO much about her last job, I got tired of listening to her and told her to quit...and, she did."

Now the truth comes out. You are angry at her and resent her for quitting her job and not working.

"I love my wife, but I'm no goddamn sucker either."

Read it back. Do you notice everytime you say you love your wife you quickly qualify the statement? Got news for you. When we love someone its not based on conditions. No I would say you at this point don't love her, you are resenting her and feeling a lot of anger and hatred towards her.

"I can certainly respect her wanting to have fun with her friends; in fact, I promote it. But when it comes to her running her mouth about all her so-called misfortunes, I feel like I could just slap the dog piss out of her, and tell her to grow up."

Again you provide references to wanting to hurt her physically and you give this song and dance about not minding her having friends but then quickly change the topic and express wanting to hurt her. You don't have to be a rocket scientist to see your resent her for having friends...the excuse that she is complaining is what is making you angry is b.s. and you know it.

"Other people in the world are dying, sick, hurt, and afraid, and if she opened her goddamn eyes once in awhile she might just see that she doesn't have it so bad off."

Now there is a sensitive statement. I am suprised you did not finish it with" the ungrateful bitch I should slap some sense into her head".

"ll this bitching and complaining makes me wonder: didn't she get all this out with her drunk ass friends being that she spent a good deal of time with them this week?"

Yah right again. Why should she try express her feelings to her husband. She had her opportunity. See your problem is that you have no time of day for your wife and expect her to express her emotions outside the house then come home to you and keep her mouth shut and not burden you with her feelings.

"eah right, she probably bitches about me to them, because people (women), tend to stick to what do best where ever they go."

Gosh can't understand why she doesn't come home to you and try tell you how she feels. Given the above statement you sound like a wonderful loving man who understands women.

Listen pal, with that kind of generalization about women you make it clear you have problems not with just your wife, but women in general.

" don't want to live my life listening to this shit, because it's doing nothing but pissing me off, and she sure isn't showing any reasonable gain from being an expert complainer. Advice?"

If you don't want to spend your life listening to your wife, then divorce her and split up. The alternative is you remaining in a relationship and continuing to be an insensitive, abusive, resentful, passive aggressive prick.

"Those of us who really enjoy life want to do exactly that, i.e. without negative, nagging interjections."

Who is "us"? We are talking about you. What you are calling negative, nagging interjections, may simply be your wife trying to express her feelings with you but you being an insensitive, uncaring self-centered pig.

"MY SOLUTION: STFU and stop feeling sorry for yourself.[/QUOTE"

Sounds to me like you don't practice what you preach. You spent your whole post whining and feeling sorry for yourself but you expect your wife not to "feel sorry for herself".

Sorry pal, I spent 20 years listening to men like you who won't deal with their own inabilities and taking it out on their wives.

You Sir, have a lot of issues and you have 3 options;

1-continue to stew in your juices and continue breeding your hatred of your wife until you end up beating the crap out of her (if you haven't already);

2-go talk to someone about all the feelings and anger bottled up in you that you refuse to admit you have

3- sit down with your wife and tell her how you feel and make an effort to listen to her if you expect her to listen to you.

I also have another strong suggestion for you. Real men don't talk about shoving things up their wife's ass or talk in terms of violence towards their wives. That is b.s. and its time you get a handle on your anger.

You asked I say what I think. You want someone to molly coddle you not from me pal. You need a strong dose of reality quickly before you hurt someone.

Quote: Maybe your wife is cheating. Sorry to say that, but damn dude... Staying out all night at other people's houses? Sounds like some others are covering up for something else going on besides partying with girlfriends.


Just because someone spends a long time at their friend's or some where
else doesn't mean they're cheating on you.

Interesting thing here is that in reading your reply you seem to display a similar type anger towards DisproveU that he exhibits towards his wife. You put words in his mouth, make assumptions and are using sarcasm by calling him Mr Saint which one would think is rather demeaning.

Stuff a duck!!!! A person in distress be they feeling over emotional or not needs sound caring reasoning support. Not angry sarcastic off the air type comments thrown back at them. Glad psychologists and councilors are trained to be firm, to the point, say it as it is and are educated to keep their personal emotions and presumptions out of it when dealing with people they are helping.


Not necessarily... Heaps of people feel like saying stuff like that when upset with another person. But some people do know that saying things like 'shove it up your arse and light it' when in confrontation actually makes matters worse and achieves nothing. So even though they think it, they don't say it to the other person coz they are wanting to try to resolve the problems, not make them worse.

So now you are the expert rube are you, who thinks that everyone who feels like telling someone else to 'shove something up their arse and set it alight' is in reality suppressing violence. Some things are just merely commonly used figures of speech to let off anger and frustration and are not intended to be taken literally. Any good 'psychologist' worth their money sees the difference between genuine intent and throwing off steam. You need to have a lot more than this one post and have both sides of the story before you can make such 'judgements' about another person's motives and intent.

And by the way..... What the hell is a 'real' man!!! Huh... lol.... Sounds like something you can put away and display on a shelf in a glass cabinet and then when you are bored take it down, dust if off, wind it up and then play with it?

Dingo
.

Buy her some jewelry, flowers, and chocolate, and she will forget anything and everything!

That's why I said 'Maybe'. Where there's smoke, sometimes fire shows up as well!

[QUOTE=Dingo Brains;302299]Interesting thing here is that in reading your reply you seem to display a similar type anger towards DisproveU that he exhibits towards his wife. You put words in his mouth, make assumptions and are using sarcasm by calling him Mr Saint which one would think is rather demeaning."

I did not put words in his mouth, show any anger, or make any assumptions. Nor was I demeaning. I was expressing my opinions and he solicited them. You are projecting your personal feelings towards me in your response and they are sibjective.

"Stuff a duck!!!!"

Now there is a calm emotional critique.

"A person in distress be they feeling over emotional or not needs sound caring reasoning support."

In my opinion this man asked for an opinion and I gave one. I will not condone or support anyone who expects me to enable his anger towards his wife. You Madam clearly believe that when someone asks for an opinion, it must be sugar coated. I do not sugar-coat responses to people who suggest they will hit someone and exhibit violence. More to the point if you think being sweet and caring is the way to respond to this, then you engage in such a style but don't exhibit hostility towards me because I won't molly coddle this kind of woe is me destructive behaviour.

"Not angry sarcastic off the air type comments thrown back at them."

My comments were not angry. The poster's were and so are yours. And I will express my opinion. If you don't like it don't read it.

"Glad psychologists and councilors are trained to be firm, to the point, say it as it is and are educated to keep their personal emotions and presumptions out of it when dealing with people they are helping. "

In fact Dingo you clearly do not get it. You think when I sit with men who tell me they want to hit their wife, I molly coddle and use whisper sweet nothings. Dingo my responses would be no different then most male counselors dealing with men who are manifesting hostility. You are taking it out of context because you think helping someone like this is enabling theto feel what they feel. I do not. The responses I gave are realistic, blunt, and precisely what needs to be said. You want to molly coddle go. But please don't tell me how I must respond. More to the point Dingo in case you haven't noticed he asked for feed-back and I gave it. I am not his therapist nor did I claim to be.

"Not necessarily... Heaps of people feel like saying stuff like that when upset with another person."

See now this is where you and I definitely disagree. You want to apologize and intellectualize and rationalize and make excuses for this kind of language, that is your choice Dingo. In the world I live when a man says he is going to hit his wife, or expresses the desire to hit his wife, I don't intellectualize, rationalize, make excuses for it. I deal with it head on. You Madam are showing a gender ignorance towards men and why and how they use such words.

"But some people do know that saying things like 'shove it up your arse and light it' when in confrontation actually makes matters worse and achieves nothing. So even though they think it, they don't say it to the other person coz they are wanting to try to resolve the problems, not make them worse."

The above paragraoh is you enabling the poster to use such words, and feel its o.k. to use them. That is you apologizing and playing the role he wants-rationalizing his anger as being understandable. Its not and you are making matters worse by confusing your need to be his friend and confidante with
dealing frankly and bluntly with potential violence.

"So now you are the expert rube are you, who thinks that everyone who feels like telling someone else to 'shove something up their arse and set it alight' is in reality suppressing violence. Some things are just merely commonly used figures of speech to let off anger and frustration and are not intended to be taken literally."

Again you try rationalize and apologize for words that were used. If this man said he was thinking of having sex with a child would your response be the same? You are just so way off base in your zeal to confront and argue with me and challenge my right to provide an opinion this is the second time you have repeated the same arguement that such vocabularly doesn't mean anything. You are wrong Dingo and as wrong as could possibly be. Such words are alarm bells and warning signs and ignoring them will not make the feelings behind them go away nor will apologizing or trying to rationalize the anger make it go away. It has to be addressed head on.

"Any good 'psychologist' worth their money sees the difference between genuine intent and throwing off steam."

Again Dingo you are just so completely off base and are more obsessed with challenging me and my opinions so much so you make such a stupid and generalized nonsensical statement. A psychologist often can not know the difference between "letting off steam" and genuine intent. In situations of potential domestic violence all mental health counselors dealing with potentially violent men are taught to assume the worst case scenario precisely because they do not know and can not tell the difference.

Dingo if someone says they will kill themselves, a psychologist doesn't take chances and assume they are blowing off steam. You are just dead wrong.

"You need to have a lot more than this one post and have both sides of the story before you can make such 'judgements' about another person's motives and intent."

That is where you are wrong. I do not need to know anything more then this man is angry and he asked for feed-back. The reasons why he is angry and the conflict are not up to be to decipher. I am not his therapist. He asked for an opinion and I gave one.

"And by the way..... What the hell is a 'real' man!!! Huh... lol.... Sounds like something you can put away and display on a shelf in a glass cabinet and then when you are bored take it down, dust if off, wind it up and then play with it? "


Dingo your above comment is a joke. You want to get tough with me go ahead. My point is a real man doesn't threaten to hit his wife. Its Man to Man talk that you clearly can't understand in your zeal to be the saviour of this person and show you as a woman rise above your gender and can take the side of a man who repeats comments that show anger towards women. I am not impressed with your attempt to laugh in my face.

I stand by my words exactly and you Dingo can molly coddle this person all you want. I will not and make no apologies for being blunt and to the point.

-WTF?!?!?!

-I felt like saying, "you can take that last sentence, and shove it up you ass and set it on fire!

-DON'T COME HOME BITCHIN' TO ME ABOUT YER DAMN BACK AND YER SPORADIC WEIGHT GAIN YOU SPENT ALL DAMN WEEK WORKING ON!!!!!

-after that I say f-ck off!

-I feel like I could just slap the dog piss out of her, and tell her to grow up.

-I don't want to live my life listening to this shit, because it's doing nothing but pissing me off

Disprove U it doesn't take a genius to figure out from the above words you have a lot of anger pent up. Go talk to someone and no I will not mince words with you. Its b.s. to use such words or be this angry with someone you claim to love.

As men we are noot very good at admitting we have feelings let alone finding better ways to express them. Writing down your anger is a good start but no its a crock of shit if someone tells you your anger is o.k.

Its not. You have to deal with that anger before you lose your temper and do something you regret.

I wasn't going to write this second response but I believe Dingo's attempt to portray you as a misunderstood victim needing someone to apologize for you is b.s. I am talking to you the way I would expect you to talk to me if I said the same things to you.

We men have to learn to be honest with one another and confront ourselves when we find ourselves being angry with women. Its not the way to deal with things.

Good luck.

I agree with Rube, DisproveU's post does lead me to beleive that he has repressed violent tendencies and is trying validate these by saying 'oh but I love my wife'; not only that but the apperent lack of comunication (purely judging by what was posted) makes me think that the problem is deep enough to make his wife go out for a week drinking, a lot of times binge drinking like that is a sign of problems (assuming marital problems by what is said in his post).

Moderator's note:

Please read the FAQ which clearly states you cannot profile another member. If you must profile and psychoanalyse please keep it generalised and situational and not aimed on a personal level to any specific member of the forum.

Any more personalised profiling type posts aimed at any member will be deleted.

If you are wanting to make a feedback comment about this then please do so in the appropriate place as per the FAQ and not use this thread.

Thanks.

Disprove U I think we have been side tracked on a debate as to what is appropriate when responding to you. I do not want to lose sight of the fact you asked for feed-back. I personally have never tried to provide you anything but honest feed-back, exactly the way I would want you to talk to me if I asked you the same thing.

Its not my role to judge you or your circumstances but being honest with you is simply what I have tried to be.

Daniel Jay Sonkin is a psychologist who works with men who talk to them about problems like yours. Here is what he said;

"The first step in addressing any problem, whether it's healing from childhood abuse, stopping abusive behavior, or controlling addictions, is to be honest with yourself and eventually with others. The latter is not possible without the former.

Being honest only begins with acknowledging the abuse; being honest about how the abuse affected you then and how it affects you today. It may be difficult for you to be honest in facing your vulnerabilities, weaknesses, and shortcomings or even to acknowledge that you have a problem. However, without honesty, the healing process is not possible."


"Another aspect of honesty is to acknowledge your feelings, fantasies, and thoughts. You may have feelings of anger, hurt, and fear that may be difficult for you to acknowledge and communicate. You may have negative thoughts or fantasies, such as abusing others or yourself, that are painful or embarrassing to talk about. Through honesty the wound is exposed and healing begins. Talking out your feelings, thoughts, fantasies, and memories will also help remove your tendency to act them out in unhealthy or destructive need to be."

Its a fancy way of saying when we feel angry, because we are men, its hard for us often to deal with such feelings cuz let's face it we are men, we were brought up to think not feel. When we get anry we try rationalize our anger rather then just saying its anger period. Anger period. No fancy explanations, no clap trap, no b.s. Anger is the pits. It will just get you in trouble or make you do things you regret. So me, I aint profiling or styling just telling you as a man to another man, if you get this pissed off, try talk to someone neutral first, then sit and talk with your wife if you think you can without getting angry and having it break down.

That's it. Not another word said.