Well, first of all, I hope I'm posting this in the right place. I've been posting bits and pieces of my experiences, but some of it is so weird I'm ashamed to talk about it. A lot of it has rocked my faith to the core, changed the very way I think. This is my whole story, and I'm sure some people are immediately going to tell me to see a shrink- if anyone bothers reading such a long post. But please, if anyone can relate to this, let me know.

I was always kind of weird. As a kid I was withdrawn and very interested in the colors and textures of objects, but that could just be because my parents fought a lot and it made me disassociate. (Not autistic, so just don't say it) As a chld I started developing extreme phobias of things that didn't even make sense. I was terrified of dead plants and dried leaves. I was (and still am) afraid of burned things, even burnt food. I constantly felt like our house was being broken into, even though there was no evidence of it. I just felt like someone bad was there. I was also afraid of fires and carbon monoxide, and I spent long hours contemplating death before I even knew how to tie my shoes. I also felt extreme guilt about random things, like I was going to go to hell for knocking over the trash can or something. I don't know what would possess such a young child to focus on such dark things. Also, a few really weird things happened on occasion. Once I saw a figure made up of moonlight on my parent's door outside my room at night. There was no way for the light to even travel that angle in that room. I slammed my door shut and to this day sleep with the bedroom door shut. Once my bed started shaking, and a bunch of weird things happened around the tree in my backyard. My friend and I saw a bunch of colored lights flashing back there in broad daylight and ran inside screaming, then we seemed to forget about it until I remembered it just recently. Also, an invisible something ran by me by that tree once. I saw the leaves on the ground move like someone was running through them, but no one there. That scared me enough to not go near that tree for a long time. Just little things I always dismissed that seem all linked together now that I'm older.

In middle school, something really weird started happening. Words would just fly out of my mouth. I would say things without meaning to and not know why I said them. Often the things I said were offensive or just really bizarre. One summer my camp counselor told my mom she thought I was retarded because I spent the whole week talking about people on the ceiling even though I didn't actually see any people up there. I talked about them like I really thought they were there, and the whole time I was really embarassed because I realized it sounded really stupid but the words just kept coming out and once I'd said it, it seemed pointless to take it back as it made no sense to begin with. Someone could tell me a secret and I would have every intention of keeping it, then just turn around and tell some random person. I even told my counselor my friend wanted to commit suicide even though I knew it wasn't true. As far as I know, I wasn't trying to make up stories to impress people or get attention- I just said stuff before I could realize it made no sense. Was I just evil or something? All I wanted was for people to see me as a good girl. I liked feeling helpful, and as a devout christian I sincerely wanted to do the right thing, but all this stuff just kept happening. Sometimes I would just make noises or laugh uncontrollably. For a while the doctors thought I had tourettes, but after some tests they decided it didn't fit. Needless to say, everyone thought I was a freak and I had few friends. Still, I was usually able to get people to do what I wanted, like I could override their will. So I had a bunch of people who hated me but found themselves following me around anyway.

Once puberty hit and I went to high school things settled down for a while. Peer pressure wasn't so bad- most people just did what they wanted to. I found a group of friends who thought random stuff was funny, and my symptoms began to subside. I was an honor roll student at the top of my class with lots of friends and a committed boyfriend. Then, towards the end of my senior year, these pictures started popping up in my head. Once my ex and I were eating at a restaraunt and an image of a growling brown dog in a dark basement with yellow walls just popped into my head. It was so vivid and real, down to the blanket laying on the floor and the shine in the dog's eye. I was too upset to eat any more and felt like I was going crazy. Sometimes the pictures would be more strange things, like worlds full of robots with flying cars, but then really violent stuff started appearing- me killing the people I loved and other disturbing stuff. I was really freaked out because I thought I was going to end up hurting someone. Also, whenever I looked at a door or widow, I would see it open and shut in my head. Sometimes chairs would upturn themselves and spin around, but I never actually SAW it, like a hallucination, I just saw it very clearly in my head. I also heard singing or whispers sometimes. I was sure I was going crazy. These bouts of....crazy would well up in my throat and I would end up screaming and thrashing around. Finally it got bad enough that I got admitted to the looney bin. The nurses thought I was making it all up because the symptoms were so atypica and they couldn't really diagnose me as anything- thats around when my ex had enough and split.

Over the next few years it just got worse and worse. I would fall on the ground and scream for hours on end. I would shake and bang my head on the floor and rip my hair out. I would talk in gibberish or fly into violent rages. I even started developing other personalities and would converse with them in front of other people. Soon I heard a voice in my head, telling me I was useless and horrible- the voice was my voice, though, like I was the bad and good person at the same time. I never actually saw anything before me, nor heard something I couldn't identify as my own thoughts, leaving the doctors stumped. I didn't fit into any real category. I got diagnosed with everything from schizophrenia to bipolar to tourettes, epilepsy, conduct disorder, borderline personality, schizotypal whatever....it went on and on, depending on the doctor I saw. I got put on every medication in the book, which just made things worse. Once I started taking the meds I really DID hallucinate. I gained tons of weight, was really tired all the time, and got tardive dyskenia- uncontrollable facial movements and body tremors, some of which I still have today. Through it all, I felt like someone was controlling me. I could feel their presence, like my body was a puppet getting yanked around by someone's whim.

Also, during this time, I began to develope weird abilities. I could tell people what they were thinking, sometime down to the exact words of their thoughts. Streetlights went out when I walked under them, and sometimes I would just spout off these fountains of wisdom- stuff too mature and advanced to fit my personality. I could seemingly change the temparature of the air around me, and my intuition was off the charts. I could FEEL when something was going to happen, predict someone's every move. Once again, most people found me strange and even repulsive but they listened to me, followed me and did what I said a good deal of the time.

However, in college I got hit in the head with a pool cue (accident, but it still hurt), which had a shattering effect on my left temporal lobe. After that I lost my ability to focus and direct my energy. I also developed problems speaking articulately and even had a lot of problems controling my saliva, causing me to drool on ocasion. All the abilities went away and everything was miserable. I came back home to finish college and found a wonderful man who I will be getting married to at the end of the month. Still, that controlling force was there, throwing me around. One day I had enough and I fought with it. Whatever it was I told it to get the hell out and not come back. Once I really put my foot down, the thing actually went away.

I stopped taking my meds, and for a while I felt good again. I felt electric-like currents go through my body. I felt so much insight, like I could see the world in a different light. I pretty much stopped needing to eat and sleep all together. I know this sounds like a manic episode, but I've had those and this was completely different. I could feel my body changing. However, it got so uncomfortable that I forced myself to turn it off, then everything went away altogether. Now I feel alone and depressingly ordinary. I feel like I'm not talented at all. Writing and art, my passions, need enough focus to make them extremely difficult. Within the past year I've gotten interested in Extraterrestrials, though I haven't even seen a definite UFO and certainly no aliens have bothered to pop into my bedroom. I feel so lost and unfocued, like there's something I really need to be doing but I can't find it. How can I get that spark back without all the crazyness, too? Have I been battling severe mental illness or some cosmic force I can't understand? I just want some answers. Does any of this sound familiar to anyone?

kyerie, wow, sorry i cant say i can relate to your story but i do feel sympathy to your plight. i hope you can find someone that can help you figure out whats going on.good luck.

Have you ever read a book called Life Under the Bell Jar? It was about a woman who battled a catatonic condition. She found such freedom and joy when it was finally in remission. After writing the book she later went onto a catatonic state from which she never recovered.

I am not saying it was a mental disorder that you suffered because I do nort know nor am I qualified to judge that. Demon possesion? There is no proof that they even exist. However the possibility is not a closed case. That we do not perceive the totality of reality around us is a given. With infrared and radar we see a little more which demonstrates that there is more that we do not see or understand.

My point is that you have had periods of time under the bell jar for whatever reason that is not fully understood. If you now feel that you are free of this then you should revel in a new freedom. This is the time for you to explore life in a way that you have never experinced.

Depression and the feeling of loss is understandible because all that you were has changed.

Shake off the depression and open yourself to the possibility of what you can be now. Life is for learning and discovery of the meaning that it holds for you. Do not trade one bell jar for another. Look for meaning outside of yourself. You do not necesarily have to understand your past to embrace your future. So much of life is happenstance and luck so we have to make and pursue our oppertunities.

Just a few thoughts.

It sounds to me that you may have been sharing your body with another spirit or spirits, kyerie.
Demanding their departure and fighting them will get rid of them, from what I have heard, so you did good there.
As Bart says, although you miss some of the abilities this gave you, you are also free of being conrolled.
Something to be thankful for.

I remember playing on a playground in first grade and someone threw a ball to someone else. The ball followed a normal parabolic trajectory and then just bounced in mid air about twelve feet from the ground. My brother was with me and he saw it too. The boy throwing the ball was just as mystified as we were. He ran towards the ball and hit an invisible wall. He fell down in a daze. We went over to help him up as it looked like he deliberately fell down. We asked him why he did such a stupid thing as falling down backwards while running forwards. He said that he didn't fall down deliberately. He hit a wall of some sort. We laughed at him for imagining an invisible wall. When we went out to investigate the area, slowly, there was no wall. We couldn't find anything to impede our progress or that of the ball that we threw around.

I know some of what you went through. Recently I have had dreams. Silly fantasy dreams that aren't true. In the middle of the dream, I hear a voice. The last time the voice said "Not yet". It had nothing to do with the dream. It was as if I was watching a bad movie and someone else was talking during the movie. It bothers me to have people talk during a movie although I do it too. The thing is, the voice in my head was my own! Who was I talking to to say not yet? I have a clue, but I won't tell you. It sounds like you were very impulsive as a youngster. These impulses were bad impulses and had to be fought off. The abilities that you had may return in time. They may not. They aren't integral with the bad impulses. They are separate. You sound like you have something important for you to do in your life and maybe your subconscious is trying to make itself known to steer you towards that goal. What is it that you have to do? I don't know. We all do things that we regret later. We can't be perfect, but we can try.

Just a question: if you honestly think that possession is a possibility, have you tried talking to whatever might be possessing you? A friend of mine believes that the strongest defense against evil is sincere love, because true evil can't bear to be loved. At the same time, sincere love, and here I'm talking not about romantic love but the love of an individual for ALL things in creation, can have a great and positive affect in things that may seem to be harmful. Have you attempted a compassionate conversation to find out ( a ) is someone there, and ( b ) what it wants? Mind you, if you ARE possessed (which is possible but, in my opinion, given your circumstances and the things you describe, unlikely) again, if you ARE possessed, it's possible that your first attempts at communication will be met with taunts and hostility. Don't give up. Be sincere, loving and compassionate with a sincere desire to help. You may have to tame it, gain its trust, let it see you won't use it, abandon it, betray it, etc. Think of it as a severely abused child. Completely honesty may win a truce.

Some possessing spirits are merely angry, lost and confused. Some have lost their way and are looking for the way back. Some are those who, in life, were raised to believe that God would ultimately reject them, and so have refused to complete the death journey to the next life for fear they won't be accepted. They take the philosophy: If God's going to reject ME, I'll just reject him first. This is a crisis of faith. Regardless of religious beliefs, we each, if you believe in a soul, have a journey to make from this world to the next. In dealing with a hostile spirit, our priority should therefore be not merely to drive away the spirit, but to give the spirit the encouragement it needs, the feeling of safety and security it needs, to attempt to complete its journey, to go back where it BELONGS and will find peace (which is not necessarily going back where it came from).

Now, this IS, I'll admit, a lot of PC, New Age mumbo-jumbo. However, in this case: I think this is a path worth exploring.

I did try to converse with the entities often. Often I personified them as people and even gave them names. This seemed to annoy them and I think it helped in getting rid of them. I also tried absorbing them into my own personality- finding ways to relate to them enough I could count them as part of myself, if that makes sense at all. They wanted me to be scared and didn't like me finding a way of accepting it. Also, I've experienced about six different entities, from a confused little girl to an angry male who didn't even seem human.